Why We Should Stop Asking Moms If They Have a “Good Baby”

My second-born is nearly two months old. What’s the top question I’m asked when people check in?
“So, is he a good baby?”

What does that even mean? This sentiment has always rubbed me the wrong way, but I’ve never known why.

“…Well, he hasn’t robbed any banks yet, so I guess so?” I answered recently.

Imagine asking a fresh new mom:
“So, are you a good mom?”

What’s the metric? Who's asking? Who sets the standard of what a good mother is? And if we want to get real theological, none of us are good!

If a “good baby” is assumed to be easy, does that make a challenging baby “bad”? Does that make a difficult newborn season bad?
Does that make a rough postpartum and a struggling mother bad?

Perhaps one of the reasons postpartum women struggle is sharing that their lived experience with a newborn is anything but easy.

 I struggled with my first, for a multitude of reasons the 0-1 transition was very hard. So far, I am not struggling nearly as much with the 1-2 transition. Does that make my first baby bad and my second baby good? Does that make my first postpartum bad and my second postpartum good?

What kind of message does that send to mothers, to children, and to the world at large?
High (very natural) needs baby = bad.

It’s not hard to see the pipeline to
Special needs baby = abortion.

Perhaps a data point of why I struggled so deeply with my first was because of the subliminal messaging that my doesn’t eat well, doesn’t sleep well, needs-me-every-second-of-every-day, dependent child was a “bad baby.” Even today as a high needs strong willed big energy 4yo—does her needing a lot of me make her a bad kid? 

How should Christians who confess James 1:2-4* and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10* behave?

What if she was just a baby?

A baby who had needs, who depended on her present mother—like all babies.

And perhaps, like all Christians, dependent on a good, good Father.

Perhaps we ask the freshly postpartum mother instead:

“How is your recovery going?”
”How is breastfeeding going?” (if applicable)
“How are you coping so far with this precious new member of your family?”
”How’s your mental health during this transition?”
“Are you getting a bit of much-needed rest?”
“Are you feeling supported?”
“I know the meal train ended, but can I drop off another meal now that your mom is gone and your husband is back to work?”

If we can agree as Christians—even as fellow humans—that hard is not the same thing as bad (and I believe many of you have even read a book on it), then we can agree to stop asking moms if they have a “good baby.” 

*Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭| ESV‬‬ // *But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬-‭10‬ ‭| ESV‬